“Why Can’t I Do This?”

Watch the above clip first.

Then watch this clip.

Finally, watch this clip.

Okay? Let’s dive in.

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Hey everybody, it's Karen A. Parker here.

And this Substack post is going to be a little different from the ones that I usually do.

Usually, I sit down to write a blog post, and then I read back what I wrote into a microphone so that it is read for listening and for accessibility purposes on my Substack.

But I'm going to be doing things in reverse.

I'm just going to be talking off the cuff, but I also wanted to come on here and want y’all to hear my genuine ums, ahs, pauses, chuckles, all of that.

Because this topic is very important to me and has become very important to me.

In case you didn't know, I am level one on the autism spectrum.

I was recently diagnosed, recently being November 6th, literally a day after the presidential election when I was...way too wired and stressed about all that was going on.

But it was very, very worth it to get myself neuropsychologically evaluated.

Because for a long time, I've always felt a little different from everybody else. A little different, a lot different. There was just something off.

But it's hard to kind of unpack all of that when you've been raised as a Black female person. Because you are told as a Black person that you're too emotional or that, you know, you can't talk about mental health stuff as much as you'd like. As a female, if you are sensitive, then...

Then you are just, you know, hysterical.

And there's a lot that goes into misdiagnosing people both on a racial scale and on a gender scale. And just on a Western society scale. I don't want to go into it, but... I wanted to talk about specifically this moment that has gone viral in social media, specifically this moment on the CBS original show Survivor, which is now in its forty-eighth season, if you can believe it.

Um...

And it is of this clip of Eva, one of the contestants, being hugged by Joe, another contestant, after finishing a challenge.

And I've included clips in the post for you to watch.

I recommend you watch all of them because most people have seen the last clip that I have, uh, the one where, uh, Joe is kind of bringing Eva back into a dysregulated, uh, no, I'm sorry, where Eva is being back into a regulated state through the co-regulation that Joe provides, and people see that, and people have, you know, like they resonate with that, and that's great.

That's amazing.

But what most people don't talk about or what I wish more people would talk about is the clip in its full context or the—Yeah, the clip, the clip itself in its full context with all of the stuff surrounding it.

So, the first clip that I have is where—The title is “Eva confides to Joe about her autism.”

And she basically explains to him that like, you know, growing up, “I was given this diagnosis. I was told that like I like the best chance I had in life would be marrying another person with autism,” that, you know, things are going to be a rocky road. But my parents didn't give up on me.”

And she also explained to Joe that she has episodes where she gets overstimulated.

And so what it looks like, it looks like she might start grabbing her hands, grabbing her clothing, grabbing her fists, or just getting really...getting really tight and balled and just closed within herself.

And Joe is the absolute perfect person for her to have confided in.

I think he’s like an EMT or like a firefighter. Like he, he's, like, the moment like Eva tells him this during the, like, away from all the other teammates.

He's like, you know, “What can I do to help? What can I do?"

Like, that's, I mean, just straight up. He was the perfect person for Eva to go to. Just straight up perfect person. Ten out of ten, would recommend. That is exactly the kind of response that you would love to hear if you are an autistic person.

"What can I do to help?"

And so the second clip, which I have in the video, kind of focuses on the challenge itself. And this is the clip I wanted to bring attention to. You can pause this recording (or scroll up if you’re reading) and go watch it if you haven't, or you can still listen to me (or keep reading this) explaining it here.

But basically during the challenge, it's Eva against another team or like Lagi against another tribe or whatever. And they all have to do this challenge where they have to lift this, like, heavy wooden board with like a zigzag obstacle course thing and get this white cue ball into a divot.

And each person in that tribe has to get one ball into a divot.

So, it is... I think it's a part of like a series of challenges. And this is the last challenge.

This is it.

The stakes could not be higher for this week for them.

And it’s Eva's turn to get the ball in the divot.

And she is obviously frustrated, tired, exhausted, all of the things.

And she gets really, really frustrated.

Like, she's one of the...

Like, for mostly everybody, this challenge has not been as huge of a problem.

But for her, it is.

She has messed up several times.

She's getting red in the face.

And she just, like, just growls and goes, “I can't even get past the beginning!'“

And...

And so, she's getting encouragement from her teammates, and even that doesn't seem to be helping.

And then she says, “Why can't I do this?”

And with the most pained voice, like…

I'm hyper-empathetic.

I mean, no duh.

That's what being autistic is about sometimes.

But when I watch that clip in its full context and see her struggling through that challenge, and when she says, “Why can't I do this?”

That's the moment she breaks.

And that's the moment where I almost break.

Because I can't tell you how many times in my life I have thought or uttered those exact same words.

“Why can't I do this?”

“Why can't I get this homework assignment done?”

“Why can't I regulate myself?”

“Why am I crying so much?”

“Why can't I be normal?”

“Why can't I socialize like all my friends do?”

“Why can't I bring myself to get more energy to finish this task?”

“Why can't I?”

“Why can't I?”

“Why can't I?”

“Why can't I?”

It is the...

It is one of the most repeated refrains in my life and potentially for others on the spectrum, whether that's level one, level two, level three, just that absolute sense of frustration.

And there have been moments in my life where I have just had to pull myself up by my own bootstraps and just get it done. I've had to ignore all of the overstimulation, ignore all of the exhaustion, ignore all of the signals in my brain, and just focus.

And that is precisely what Eva has to do.

She has some encouragement from her teammates.

She has, you know, someone say, you know, “Say you can do this,” you know, get back, get back in your head.

And so she has that verbal kind of stimulus, and Eva, like, bears down and says, "I can do this.” And she does.

She actually gets that ball in the hole.

She wins, she focuses.

And, you know, I want to, I want to say something here, too.

Like, Eva is a future PhD candidate.

She is brilliant.

I know she’s brilliant.

I've never even met her. But she is absolutely brilliant. But in that moment, it does not matter how brilliant you are. You are in Survivor. You are competing for your team. All of the stakes, all of the pressure, and all of this just... It’s just built up to this one pressure cooker moment that is so, so important for you and for everybody else.

You don't want to let them down.

It's vital.

Like, the stakes could not be higher in that moment.

And she does what so many people on the spectrum have done.

She just, red in the face, focused, teeth out, gritted.

Like, she just gets it done.

And I'm really, really proud of her.

I don't watch Survivor.

I haven't watched Survivor in years.

But I was so glad to see that.

I felt that emotional release.

And... Yeah, she, she broke there. She didn't break in the third clip.

The third clip is the one I think where it where—The third clip is the one that gets shared the most because it shows Joe going over to comfort her after Jeff Probst, the host, gives Joe the OK because Joe is on an opposing team at the moment, and he does a magnificent job.

Uh, he, he goes over, he recognizes, uh, the the signs that she's presenting because she has informed him of the signs beforehand of her, like, you know, trying to grab her hands, trying to grab her clothes, trying to like you know, really, like, get tight into that ball because she is just overstimulated.

And her teammates, you know, they're well-meaning, but in a situation like that, sometimes it's not a good thing to have even more stimulus kind of come over. Like, yes, it's a, you know, everybody's happy, everybody's good, we're cheering and stuff, and that's great.

And, you know, I'm not dogging on the teammates specifically, but as someone who has had moments of overstimulation, sometimes having more stimulation does not help. And so...

Joe does the absolute right thing. He goes over to comfort her. He gives her that very tight hug, that tight squeeze that Eva asked for. She also asks him, you know, “Will you hold my hands?”

And he does hold her hands. He has that, you know, tight grip. And he kind of, he asks, you know, "You want another round? You want another round with that hug?"

And he does that.

And just, again, like, this is what, like, that clip.

I mean, the whole story.

But that clip in particular, like, that whole thing just lives rent-free in my head.

Because this is what...

This is what people on the spectrum need.

I can't speak for everyone on the spectrum because everybody has different needs, and those needs are going to be met in different ways. For some people, like, too much pressure is too much. And for some people, too little is too much, or too...

Well, I think you get what I mean.

But in this case, you know, for folks on the spectrum like me, level one, level two, level three or whoever...

All we need, and again, not speaking on behalf of everybody, but I'm kind of using we in a political, not political, poetic license. There we go.

I'm speaking poetically here a bit when I say that all we need is just that little bit of support because for so long in our lives, we might've been told, like Eva had been told, or Eva's family had been told, that we're not going to amount to anything.

And all it takes is for that... strong, steady presence to help us get grounded when we are overwhelmed. That is—

That is so, so huge. Like, if those support systems had been in place or I did not mask so much in my life, I, um, I would have been a different person.

I don't regret how my life has, uh, has unfolded this far. That's not what I'm trying to say, but can you imagine being in a world where everyone got the support that they needed in the way that they needed it?

That moment was just—That was beautiful to witness and as someone who was recently diagnosed on the spectrum, I am also relearning how to keep myself grounded when I start to drift.

And it's through mindfulness, it could be through exercise, it could just be through...

I think it's primarily through self-respect and self-ethics, you know?

Not pushing myself to a point of exhaustion, not pushing myself to a point of overstimulation. If I have to be overstimulated in that situation, what are some things that I can do in place to fill my cup and to be supported?

You know, it’s kind of like...

It's kind of like when you're bowling on...

Well, not bowling on, but if you've ever been bowling, I don't know.

But if you've ever been bowling or if you haven't been bowling, you have the option of bowling with or without guardrails so that your ball does not immediately sink into the gutter.

And for some people, they need those guardrails because that's how you enjoy the game best.

And, you know, we... I mean... all people need support regardless of whether or not you're on the spectrum or not. All people need support of all kinds, um, but, you know, we just need it a little bit differently, and it was really really powerful to see that and to witness that and...

Yeah, um...

But yeah, I guess the takeaway here is if you know someone who is on the spectrum or you know someone who you think might be on the spectrum...

Just be more supportive of them, and be understanding of them.

I think we're at a point where we’re past autism awareness. You have been made aware of autism through me, through Survivor, through other people in the media.

And no, autism is not caused by vaccines. Don't believe that.

But yeah, just... This is what support looks like.

This is what showing up looks like.

This is what being grounded in a non-toxic masculine way looks like.

This is what fully expressing your emotions in a divinely feminine way looks like.

You know?

Anyway, that's it.

That's all from me.

I think I'll keep this format.

I like it.

It's a little longer than usual, but I think you can speed up the recording (or skim through the text) if you need be.

But yeah, happy Autism Awareness Month and take care, y’all.